After one complete year, I am at the same stage again - not able to decide what to do. I am trying for jobs but I know I am not trying for it whole-heartedly. I know that I won't be staying in a job for long. If I were a computer geek I would have been writing APIs, and seeking pleasure in the newer releases of Linux Kernel.
But I am confused - not knowing what to do, I've become an escapist in every facet of life. When I have to communicate the design to my team-mates, I act like a maverick movie director. When I am watching a movie, I want to make the rest of the people aware of my understanding of the Matrix. I want programmers to appreciate my movie taste, and movie-goers to appreciate my programming skills- I myself, don't know what i am best at.
If I knew, I would have pursued one thing and continued with it. But I don't. I know I love simulations, but I don't want to give my life to it yet; I am half-heartedly writing simulations, taking a sneak peek in the world and saying to myself "I could be getting more money, doing a job at amazon" Why not get out of this place, drive a convertible, party in Hawaii. What am I gonna get from simulations? There is technical work at amazon too...right?
Well, I need to understand that I am not the geek in amazon. I am not gonna make money by developing programs, not because I can't do it, but because I don't really like that job. Like I said, I would escape from it, for I am not in love with it. As much in the professional life as in my social life, I am still seeking the love of my life - the true wine that would be the last one I might like.
What do I do? Follow the same Geetha-jnana, try my best and be happy with what I get. Well, I know I can console myself with a few cigarettes and a few hours of chat. But I that can't be the end-goal - thats not what I want.