says a new yorker

The world is denigrated with this game of power that I see everywhere now. I am starting to feel a bit of suffocation. Partly because of disinterest and partly because of initial failures make me feel a bit emaciated now. I feel the suffocation in my soul caused by withdrawals and half-hearted attempts. I don't and cannot blame individuals for that because it is my own tendencies that have caused my failures and withdrawals. This outlook of a power game that I see to have developed is only a consequence of my own discernment and judgment. There is a certain part of me that considers this game to be natural and to be the truth itself and yet there is this part that makes me withdrawn, jaded and having lost in this game. I wish more often if it was easy for me to be normal and be willing to play the game or be completely oblivious to the existence of the game. It is not the sorrow of having lost that I feel. Instead there is a certain guilt, sometimes felt that of having abused alcohol in the past, and having abused self-indulgence at other times. Nothing changed this rather morbid view of the world where everyone is a predator or a prey. There are no emotions, purposes and feelings; everything is a struggle for materialist and acquisitive rewards. There is nowhere you can attach yourself to. There is nobody who you can truly trust to be yours. You want to go everywhere and be everywhere but you really belong nowhere.

It should be probably be a relief to discover that I am not the only one to feel that way. But then if you really don't take optimism that seriously, even discovering other people like yourself supports the tendencies of withdrawal. To flock with your own type and to derive normal pleasures from the same class of people makes you feel having become the part of the classification process and the perceived hierarchy. I tend to reject the need of consolation by trying to become part of one community or some other. When you don't believe in a larger goal and a larger world, there doesn't seem any reason to be fulfilling responsibilities of a smaller group of people. The acceptance of lack of a larger goal only makes your own existence more meaningless. I think this is where the feeling of emaciation might emanate from. What is the right way to deny this game? I find refuge in believing in that it is not through withdrawal or denial but by endearment and creativity. For those who see ideas as separate from reality and in turn hold on to ideas more than material acquisitions the only way to exist is to seek means to realize the ideas one holds on to. This should not create a distance from reality but rather create a close connection with it.